There are matters one whittles away at for such long periods of time that the process moves into the background, taking shape in the form of ongoing light trance.
Our minds are complex and amazing; a million times in a row, relinquishing anxieties to trust for a clearer way to emerge, works just fine, miraculously even. Unless, the looping goes on so long without follow through as to become automatic, unexamined. Then, like a withdrawal from the bank for a gym one doesn’t go to, one can miss the crucial next step in the process and get trapped on a surface level, failing to ask, “Is this (situation, memory, value, desire) even true anymore?” Energies begin to eek out, to ‘somewhere’.
It is important to tell our stories, and to receive deep validation for doing the best we could at the time. There are few sentences more healing than, “It’s not your fault” or, “That must have been so hard for you all that time, to ___ .” Even one person witnessing personal, often secret, struggles, can give disproportionately magical permission for them to heal, which is part of what humans are to one another.
And I understand this because of what it was like to separate from a partner of many years… reliving the whys and wherefores, answering to crowds of imaginary people in my mind. I found it hard to give the two of us as characters much tenderness, categorizing our mistakes as short-sighted and preventable, with an underlying subtext of blame that leaned slightly more his way than mine. I would stop the looping by sheer will and until, going along one day would realize, “When did THAT come back?”
We all want to do better going forward, and to find value in situations we’ve come to know well at such high costs; it is irresistible to come up with a script about it all, and to work that script until shines light on all our best angles. So the first step is self-compassion. Even with conviction that changes were for the right reasons, and with little question of our being happier, and in the long term healthier, meeting day to day needs is a great deal more of a challenge than it might have been.
So what to answer, for instance my son, when he asked to know more. One hesitates to teach what they are still going through, therefore I began to just describe our way of thinking at the beginning… the plans and visions behind them…the intricate calculations, but also values at the core of what we know in retrospect was our expanding too fast and freely. With distance I could see how thoughtful and careful we actually tried to be, while banking on the energy of desire and ambition.
I felt… impressed with us, even as I listened to myself describe where we went wrong. And I felt impressed to admit to those areas. A joyful feeling bubbled up as I described the condition of the house when we bought it… how we put every cent and second in… learning by doing, installing the often complimented kitchen for almost nothing, taking down the horrendous mirrored wall and murals from the 80’s Miami Vice aesthetic.
I found myself smiling, speaking of us with great affection and compassion, laughing a little. It had been a while since I’d been able to do that. Then I realized: I had forgiven us, without knowing that to be the case. Somewhere along the way there had come softening.
The truth was, is, that I love those two people with their ambitious and energetic dreams. I love their ideals… their well-intended hearts… so deeply. What filled my being was a sense of expansion and, “Thank You.” “Thank You, Thank You… Thank You, Thank You, Thank You”.